Toggles Connection Newsletter
Trophies of His Grace

Surviving the Holidays

—by Alaine
(From the Toggles Connection Newsletter)

For many of us, the Thanksgiving and Christmas Holiday season is a hard one. While others are enjoying family traditions, chances to get together with friends and family members, and participating in the general “hubbub” of the season, some of us are lucky just to make it through without a major crisis!

Part of the reason for this is that the Holidays are difficult for people who have had to, in a sense, erase their families. Since you don’t just get DID from drinking bad water or something, usually our families have been a part of our troubled past. For others, there may be certain times of the year when things are worse on the inside.

Eventually, as our healing is completed, the unhappy memories and the dread are minimized to a great degree. But, what do we do “in the meantime?” I’ve asked a couple of TOGS to give some input and we’ve come up with the following suggestions. We hope they are helpful.


One lady remembers how important it was for her to see lights in people’s windows when she ran away as a child. They provide cheer and a bit of comfort even to this day when she sees windows lit up. So every Christmas, she makes sure there is a candle lit in every window, “just in case somebody needs some cheering up.”

Another lady makes special cookies for her friends each Christmas. Remember, you don’t have to be married or have a family to be a homemaker! Even if you are single, enjoy developing your own Holiday traditions.




Unless you’ve been though ritual abuse, you have no idea how “ritualistic” in a good sense Christmas is in most churches. Candles, special banners, robes, Christmas plays, etc., can all be very triggering. And also the focus on the family during this season may be a bit much for some of us.

Be gracious to yourself. Realizing that this is one of the most difficult seasons, give yourself permission to skip any of the Church events you know would be triggering for you. The world won’t end if you miss a service now and again!


Probably the little ones inside, like most kids, are excited by some of the things going on. Be a mother to yourself, that is, to the little ones inside, and let them feel the excitement of seeing decorations on houses, Christmas lights, etc. Take time to bake, color, or do whatever you (they) enjoy doing. And don’t forget to get yourself a gift, even if it’s a small, inexpensive one.




If you know you’re going to be alone on Christmas morning, plan ahead to do something special. Some TOGGS call other TOGGS they know will also be alone. Others plan to cook themselves a special Christmas breakfast, or go for a walk in a nearby park.


This may seem like a strange suggestion if you’re supposed to be on vacation, but I think all of us recognize how helpful a plan for our days can be at keeping things as orderly as possible.

If you are one of the people who seems to do better with a planned day, think through your day (or days) off, and write up a basic plan—maybe not putting any time limits on things, but just putting things in an order of occurrence. The outward pattern may be a help to some.

In addition, prepare the inside ones by telling them what to expect, either by way of schedule, or what is going to happen at church or at a gathering you may be going to. Such heads-up info as “there will be candles there, but these are a different kind than the bad people used,” may prevent a trigger. 


Fitting right along with your planning would be to make a fun calendar of things you will be doing during the holidays. Using stickers or smiley faces always gets the little ones’ interest.


What about those expected visits to the relatives??? Well, be sure you get a word from the Lord if it is necessary, even though everyone “expects you there.”

If you do decide to go, maybe taking a friend along would help. Be sure as well to prepare the little ones and decide beforehand how long you are planning on staying.

It may be helpful to put the control of when you leave in the hands of the ones that are the most apprehensive about going. You could tell them that if they start feeling really, really scared and want to leave, they should just tell you, and you will listen to them and leave. (But then be sure you do listen when they talk to you about their fears.)I